I got a new poetry rejection.
Nothing like the super speedy ones that clock in way under the usual time for a zine. The way I’m feeling I’m going to take that form rejection as a good old fuck you for making me read that shit type thing.
I really need to send two queries today. On one hand I’d like my rejections sooner rather than never but on the other I always feel like such a dick sending those notes.
I was looking at my rejections list and it had actually only been ten days since my last one and yet I’ve been jonesing for the next ones like it’s been months. Once upon a time even two rejections a month or more than one or two submissions a month was enough to make me an anxious mess.
These days I just want my no so I can get it all back out into the wild.
I also find that in the cases where two or four or six (YES God damn) issues of a magazine I’ve submitted to have come out and I read them because I like them and then..then I read and I have that moment where I’m half like MY WORK SHOULD BE RIGHT THERE and then on the other hand I want to write the editors and say I’m sorry.
It’s such a weird new feeling.
Speaking of feelings I tried to do some work on one of the essays Sarah helped me with. I was trying to tighten up the one about the first time I did sex work and all that came out was as follows:
RAGE RAGE FUCK RAGE HATE RAGE RAGE HATE HATE HATE FUCK SHIT SHIT FUCK RAGE RAGE….SAD.
I’m really not sure where this disconnect is happening. It’s not the same kind of digging at the wounds pain I had while writing the essays. I can only chalk it up to the fact that my actual life is really fucking stressful right now and I can’t keep that out of places it doesn’t belong.
This being what it is I’m going to write in the bad place. It’s better to write there than it is to live there and I’m trying really hard not to live there.
So it’ll all be violet filthy sex, junkie love and other things for the foreseeable future.
Speaking of I wrote something gun and sex centric that I really honestly have no clue what to do with. I think I’m going to tinker with it today. See what I can make happen.
I think that’s all for now. I need to make myself some tea, calm the fuck down and write some things.