I wish I had known better. I always hated that expression about hindsight because it’s just so true. If I had seen, if I had just heeded the impulse of my lizard brain I wouldn’t have been hurt.
I wouldn’t be thinking about it.
It doesn’t really matter.
I can sit here and try to blame myself, to hold more than my two hands full of guilt that doesn’t really belong to me and still it just doesn’t matter.
Sometimes I wonder if my life would be all that different if I had obeyed. If I had grown up to be a middle class work horse who’s only ambition is to get a boat.
Instead I’m strange. I don’t need the Brass Ring, I don’t care about the things I was taught to care about. Instead I suffer and strain over scribbled words that I hope reach someone.
I suppose it’s just as well isn’t it?
Written between 12:30-1 PM.