I feel out of place today. Like a minor irritant in the eye of the world.
I catch every narrowed eye. I am the hangnail that snags an expensive pair of stockings. From the moment I woke up I’ve been out of place.
I am too sensitive. The harsh real world bruises and scrapes. Upsets and complaints sink long claws into my psyche and leave me weepy and over tired.
I have no armor and no defenses today. I wish I could say I’m only molting. That i am simply between skins and a little more tender than usual, but everything will be fine.
This feels too permanent.
I feel too naked. The tender easily broken I am and try to hide is showing.
Plainly I am just too sensitive. My ears too attuned to the unhappy tones in every voice. I feel absurd trying to explain.
I freeze up because I’m still a cringng child afraid to be the cause of upset.
I feel absurd.
Sometimes, I want to blind myself and fall deaf. That way I could learn other cues. Be harder and so much less would hurt.
I should stop.
I feel like I am malingering. Prevaricating and prancing around the truth.
This coffee shop is no place for my dry silent tears.
I am so tired. My body is vibrating and dreaming. My eyes don’t want to focus. I want to sleep.
Days like today I want more than sleep- I want oblivion. Not death- not the final big goodnight. I just want a little darkness and silence.
I want to hide. I want to escape.
Recently I was reading the blurb from some book and had a moment of absolute certainty that if anyone ever mashes every irritating what they think are flattering (but only as applied to women of color terms..”you go girl”) I will bash their fucking skull in.
So much has been ruined for me since I really started paying attention. I’m worn thin by so much casual round the way racism.
It leaves me raw and spent, exhausted with disappointment. Sometimes I wisl I could forget about it. Pretend like I jus don’t notice how awful it is.
I took the wrong fucking pill.
Cue dramatic music here-
Deep inside it all just makes me feel old and bitter.
A surprisingly smart and sassy writer.