A boob on a book cover.

First go read this piece over at the Rumpus.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about book covers. There have been some publishing industry fuck ups in regards to book covers and representation and I came to the conclusion that, even if I do at soem point write a book I don’t think I want to play ball with mainstream publishing.

If (as I’ve toyed with) I put together a little book of my essays, I would frankly be heart broken to see a Pretty White Lady* on the cover.

I am a fat Black queer woman. I would honestly be so heartbroken if I had to fight for a cover that I felt represented me. I’ve honestly been brooding about this for two years and it would in all likelyhood break me.

I hate to admit that. I hate to say out loud that X possible thing, that X flavor of fuckery when it comes to fulfilling a lifelong dream (cheesy, yes I know) would fuck me up forever.

Sometimes I hate that I brood about things like this. It feels absurd. On one hand I realize the odds of me ever having any kind of mainstream book out in the world. After aboout the age of 25 I realized that I don’t really care about that and the years since then have reinforced that for me. I think what I’m struggling with is (as it has been with my social justice blogging) that I haven’t embraced the idea that I have a right to be talking about these things.

I’m irritated with myself for still struggling to figure out why I feel like I am not in a position to comment on/discuss these things with other authors or with anyone.

The past two years have been the most illuminating and successful writing years of my life so far. Things are looking up in ways I find terrifying and wonderful and yet I still feel like a fake.

Maybe that’s really why I started this blog. Maybe I just have to go through this part, the fear and awkward feelings until I either work it out or at the very least leave a record (mostly for myself) that might help other people.

I got sidetracked by the Boob on a book cover. I had intended to talk about another view I read about VIDA’s numbers thing. I’ll do that tomorrow.

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