Writer Paranoia- sing a sad song.

I’m having one of those terribly uncertain days.

I’m looking at my current duotrope stats:

Note: These statistics only include fiction and poetry submissions sent within the last 12 months.
Pending responses for last 12 months: 8
Submissions sent last 12 months: 57
Submissions sent this month: 0
Acceptance ratio for the past 12 months: 20.75 %

Two of those submissions are languishing.  If you use Duotrope you know that when you see outlier in the notes for a magazines averaged turn around time, in some cases it’s my work you’re looking at.

I know this is silly but right now I’m having the I so don’t belong in this world feeling when I read a lot of my favorite (usually) literary things. I don’t understand a lot of references.

I read and I think- holy shit that is so far outside of anything in my universe.

Which leads to: what the fuck am I thinking trying to be peers with any of these people?

Which then of course leads me right back to my outliers.

My thought process goes into a hate spiral that goes something like this.

  • That piece I wrote is shit.
  • It is so bad the editors don’t even want to reject it.
  • Rinse
  • Obsess
  • repeat.

Another thing I’m experiencing right now is that for three of those pieces, when I submitted them that was the sort of thing those zines were publishing. The tide has turned and my pieces are not currently that appropriate.

I am at the point where I am not entirely sure how to deal with that knowlege and the what feels like inevitable rejection. On the one hand I want to be butthurt and say but but..when I submitted it, it was totally appropriate. And on the other hand I just want to keep stepping.

I’m going to let it go.

Fuck it.

I have a few pieces of flash and a couple of poems I’d like to get submitted today.

Also I just watched this documentary on youtube. It’s about a rage gene that is being researched. It is problematic in many ways I don’t want to get into but I wonder if I have that gene. I wonder if I lack the female gene (as Iunderstand it) that supposedly counteracts the rage gene or warrior gene as they put it.

I am a very angry, ragey person. I have been since I was a very young child. I am prone to seething rage. It has taken me about 20 years to figure out how to get a handle on and channel my anger. It takes constant work for me not to turn it all inward or outward.

That is a huge part of why I write.

I have also been working on an essay about being a woman who deals with/experiences the kind of aggression and rage responses typically ascribed only to manly men. That one is taking me forever to write.

Now if y’all will excuse me. I need to write things and I want to spend a few minutes thinking about some of the amazing, supportive, smart, sexy as fuck, wonderful women I know.

(Part of that is code for briefly fantasize about touching my friends inappropriately)

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