Late at night.

I still don’t feel right.

I’m very tired.

Honestly (I feel like I’m showing my ass here in not a fun way) I’m overwhelmed by how supportive and sweet and wonderful other writers have been to me in the last couple of years.

It freaks my shit out.

I’m not used to it when it feels like we’re peers and not fangirl to awesome author with me in the starring role of drooling starry eyed fangirl.

This anxiety is stultifying in a way I’ve not experienced before.

I’m afraid I’m being weird or needy. I’m afraid I’m being all of the things that are not good.

I don’t know.

I’m regrouping.

I wrote an essay about fear, drugs and madness.

I’m writing some hot smut.

I’m trying not to let myself suck my words into a black hole of writer paranoia.

Tomorrow I’m returning some messages and emails to people. I’m going to be honest about being freaked out.

I’ve resumed blogging in my personal blog after an unintended hiatus due to icky feelings.

I’m talking there about being fat, about being ugly and today while I was writing an entry it felt like home again.

I’ve also submitted to a couple of the Challenging markets as listed on Duotrope.  I feel better but not right.

That being what it is I’m going to self care. I’m going to make myself feel pretty. I’m going to do my nails which (due to me not currently sleeping with women) are very long and pointy, in sparkly fancy colors. I’m going to continue figuring out how to do my hair. I’m going to write about my foibles and mistakes.

I’m going to keep reminding myself that I don’t have to try and pretend to some Black Literary Ideal that I’ve made up in my head. I need to calm the fuck down and do what I do.

Tomorrow I’m going to talk about some other stuff. I want to talk about my new personal goal of resubmitting to a few magazines and not feeling like an asshole doing so. I also want to talk about the best rejection I’ve gotten so far this year.

Now some numbers.

My current duotrope stats:

Pending responses for last 12 months: 10
Submissions sent last 12 months: 63
Submissions sent this month: 2
Acceptance ratio for the past 12 months: 14.29 %

A few of these I’m going to be waiting on word for quite a while. I like that feeling.

Officially since 9/10/2011 I have been rejected 22 times counting items not listed at duotrope.

I sold 14 copies of my self published little collection and made 35 dollars. All of which I spent on Sparkle Femme Items.

My poetry has been called bold, intriguing and too confessional in the last four months.

And that’s all.

 

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