Like a Dream.

Via Junot Diaz on Facebook I found this essay by Pam Noles.

First read this:

A kid can feel the loss from something taken away, even if they don’t have the words to say exactly what it is or define the nature of this new pain. All a kid can do is try to find what caused it all, and blame.

Now go read the essay, I’ll wait.

Back now?

Okay that paragraph, that tiny bit of that gorgeous essay encapsulates so much of my own experiences as a reader as a child and how I experienced Double Consciousness before I had the words to use to express it.

From references in the essay, this person is older than me and I want to find them and tell them thank you, fuck THANK YOU and hug them. Unleash my aggressive hugging attack and probably run away to cry by myself.

This is why so often now as an adult I have trouble enjoying a lot of sci fi/fantasy etc.

Unlike when I was a child, I don’t have as hard a set of blinders as I once did. As a kid, I could put more things aside to enjoy and now I just can’t. I try and I get angry.

Such is the plight of the person of color who wants to enjoy entertainment.

I try.

I am aided in my pursuit by PodCastle as I’ve mentioned before. Just yesterday I listened to one of my favorite stories there.

I just listened to an audio version of The Telling by Ursula K. Le Guin. I love her Hainish universe. The way she creates this universe is just, well it’s why She is the boss.

I love her Hainish universe for the same reason I love the Dune universe but to a whole other degree. The mix of familiar and new, of languages and creating cultures that resonate with me on one level and thrill me with their creation is just, fuck I love it.

In the next year I am going to try again with some genre writing that I admittedly gave up on a few years ago. It wasn’t that the stories were shit, I got excellent concrete feedback and encouragement but honestly, the industry scares and bothers me. I don’t know how much fuckery of a racist variety I can deal with and because I stopped reading a lot of the genre industry news, it has proven to be difficult to know who’s who.

I’m going to rectify that. I have ideas, urban magical realism, etc etc. Notes, tidbits, things.

So as I navel gaze my way into the next year there is shit I need to do. Read more sci fi etc, write more of it.

Dear Self,

Earn that 50$ bucks back okay? You have 12 months, work like a mother fucker.

Love,

Me

Also one last duotrope note. It would be great if when one signs up to pay, there was an email or if the nag screen would vanish or something. I feel like, OKAY I’m paying can I get a thank you? A confirmation? Something?

Duotrope, still kinda doin it wrong.

That’s all.

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