The care and feeding of this author.

Shit has been too serious business in here.

So I present you with how absurd of a human being I am. A manual for how to care for me if I am your pet writer.

Let it be known that The Author is also known as Shannon also will answer to Frank, Beasty, Lola, Chola (not if you’re white sorry), Franklin, Princess Piss Pants.

  1. If the author is unable to poop, author is unable to write.  New caretakers should note that this is both metaphorical and physical. If the author is constipated, author will get upset, if too upset author cannot poop. Administer strong coffee and fiber. Be aware that prior to any relief of said constipation, the author is quite flatulent.
  2. The arrange of The Authors office must be as follows, walls or actual physical office not necessary: Aural stimulus preferably a terabyte or two of music, large headphones, Foobar or other non windows media player device with shuffle capabilities, water or tea on left hand side, not close enough to be spilled but close enough to maintain hydration.
  3. In order for The Author to perform at maximum capacity she must be comfortable. Preferably naked or if it is cold wearing available pajama pants and no top or cardigan and no pants.
  4. If the following behaviors are observed, the caretakers are not to be alarmed: flailing of the arms, flapping of the hands, grabbing and holding of the breasts, rocking back and forth, humming, muttering. Loud ejaculations of speech such as: NO! WHAT THE FUCK! NO NO NO NO are to be expected and unanswered. Calls of HALP may go unanswered for 5-10 seconds while The Author either answers questions or calls for help again.
  5. Caretakers may also observe The Author doing any of the following, do not be alarmed: Sweating profusely, knocking over make up items, snarling, growling, yelping.
  6. If The Author has an emergency, falling out of chair, almost hanging self on headphone cord as she darts for the bathroom, gently disentangle/pick up The Author and let her roam free.
  7. If The Author asks the caretaker to stop her at X time, it is imperative to stop writer gently. Sudden stoppages may cause The Author to have a tantrum.

Additional helpful information.

Occasionally The Author must be allowed to spin out in ways that seem paranoid and insane. Allow The Author to spin out for no more than two days. Approach The Author in full melt down mode with caution. Offers of cigarettes, candy, fancy coffees or teas. In extreme situations offers of a hot toddy made with honey or cinnamon whiskey is acceptable. Do not under any circumstances offer Author platitudes, foods Author does not like or spankings.

Under these guidelines caretakers may after establishing a rapport with The Author, act according to their own discretion.

Celebration. When celebrating something The Author will accept the following as gifts:

  1. Expensive or fancy cigarettes. The Author prefers Vanilla Dreams, Cigarillos (NOT SWISHERS), or Davidoffs.
  2. Fine cigars accompanied with fine scotch and/or cheesecake.
  3. Pookie dances.
  4. Fruit
  5. Fresh cut veg with an assortment of dipping sauces.

In case of extreme upset, caretaker should approach the Author with caution and offer to rub her bottom until she either feels better or goes the fuck to sleep.

Occasionally, the caretaker must sedate The Author and remind The Author to go the fuck to sleep. This usually must be issued in a stout tone of voice as an order.

Thank you caretaker for your careful attention to the care of The Author. No refunds, batteries and sexual favors not included.

God Speed.

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