It has come to our attention that more notes on the care and feeding of The Author are necessary for optimal output, Author happiness and caretaker sanity.
As the season changes the caretaker may notice a change in the behavior of The Author. Typically any of the following:
- Increased mumbling.
- Moaning that may or may not sound like mooing.
- Raging about pollen, trees, flowers and nature.
- Larger intake of water.
- Shearing of body hair.
All of the above may be signs of Allergies.
Author is often unable to produce when itchy from head to toe, sniffling or congested.
Caretaker is to immediately administer strong antihistamines. Note, The Author will be elated for a half hour with relief and slowly succumb to the dreaded Benedryl drunkenness. Things the Caretaker may see, please do not be alarmed.
- The Author may start listing to one side or another in her chair.
- The Author may start talking all manner of shit about everything.
- The Author may stare glassy eyed at everything.
Do not panic!
The Author must be put into bed or if already in bed told to Go the Fuck to sleep.
Dear Caretakers take heart. Once the allergies have settled into manageable annoyance, allow Author to roam freely.
Also as the weather improves the Author will appear in patently ridiculous states of undress once inside. Naked with socks on, cardigan and no panties, tank top and no panties, bra and socks, leopard print snuggie over nakedness. Again, do not be alarmed. The Author is closely related to certain species of reptiles and has a hard time maintaining body heat. Ignore unless The Author sneaks and closes windows or cranks the heat. It is permissible to spank the Authors hand or to put a blanket on her.
Intrepid Caretakers may want to have any of the following on hand to soothe the Author as she sashays through allergies and Springtime:
- Hot tea
- Red (never yellow or green, both will cause Author to become unreasonable) Gatorade.
- Tortilla chips and her own bowl or jar of salsa.
- Large salads with meat, cheese and many vegetables.
- Fine smelling luxurious bath items.
- Unguents in the form of butters, oils, lotions and balms.
- A variety of hearty lip balms.
- Dark roasted coffees and her own personal French Press and her cup.
A word to wise Caretakers. Do not take some of her tirades personally. The Author flunked sharing in kindergarten and might try to stab you with a fork or pen if you try to use her goodies or eat her snacks. This period of crabby toddlerhood will pass with the Spring and the Author will return to her sweet stabby self in time.
And as a gentle reminder Caretakers, The Author does not come with batteries, sexual favors, perkiness, or stable moods.
And good luck.