I started writing an essay about booty shaking (twerking, pussy popping etc) and while I was working on it I had this wonderful idea of including gifs or video to go along at key points of me shaking what I got.
First problem I cannot twerk right. I try but I do not get the epic shake or booty clap necessary for what I am imagining.
This is mainly because a.) I don’t have anyone to put their hands on my ass to show me how it is done and b.) I do not have a lot of ass to work with. Yes I am a fat little lady but I am all tits and hips and not so much ass.
Then of course I thought, who the fuck would publish that?
I’ve been writing these very women of color, non normative bodies things lately and as I’m reading around looking at non fiction I come up against this thing.
Who the fuck would actually publish it?
Understand I’m not writing them for publication necessarily. I write non fiction entirely for myself first. And we know I am trying to be a working author so don’t bother giving me a pat on the back write for yourself thing.
This is a concern I have.
I am friends with a lot of talented awesome lady authors via various internets social media things. I read their essays about beauty and bodies and whatnot. I look at the pictures that (they don’t usually choose) the stories and the photos represent beautiful “flawed” mostly White thin able bodied women.
This is a thing.
It’s a representation thing.
It’s not a new thing.
There are lady presses that I used to buy ALL the books from as a youngster. When I was learning about writing about bodies and fatness and whatnot.
Long before I even wanted to write about bodies or being a woman and shit, 99% of the books about these subjects I read only ever applied to me in a very thin marginal way.
These days it’s not much different.
As I’ve said before sometimes it’s awesome to be the Big Bad Black Lady Trailblazer.
Most of the time it’s just exhausting.
So I write these things, dream about adding the little multi media bits. Be sad about having no idea what to do with them.
Maybe when I am done with some of these works I will self publish them. I know there is a market. I know WOC and fat women and disabled women etc etc who need it.
I know what I can do in this instance. Knowing and understanding very keenly just how underrepresented I and people like me are is just exhausting sometimes.
If you can’t understand what I mean when I say that, let me say it this way.
Having no face or voice or presence in things that are so important to me is painful. It hurts from all angles.
The fact is The Nice Pretty Whiteness of everything, hurts.
It really fucking hurts.