Furthermore.

Continuing from yesterday.

One of the problems I have and why I tend to worry about so many things when I am submitting is that I am self aware to a fault. It can come off as me not being confident in my work, but, it’s not that necessarily.

I have worked very hard over the years to understand and better how I work, the things I write and how I submit. I do a lot of market research thus often I walk away feeling like I have to be the trailblazing Black Writer. That is uncomfortable for me.

I work very hard to be a conscientious submitter. I read, I buy when I can and I often am following a magazine for months before submitting. So a lot of the time I do feel uh, guilty I guess when editors say that they love to read my work, but can’t use it for their magazines.

I told my best friend last night that my paranoid roach brain assumes I am gaining a bad reputation for being one of those shotgun style submit everywhere regardless types.

I don’t want to be that and it freaks me out.

And then because I am a very anxious person, I get anxious and upset. Rinse repeat.

There is also again that self awareness issue.

Let’s be plain okay?

I know that in a lot of the mainstream market I am not really marketable. That isn’t a value judgement it just is. And it’s okay for real it is. Sometimes I just need to talk about it.

Beyond that I do think that so much emphasis on certain ways of being a writer is deeply classist and problematic.  And I know that other people experience that discomfort and I am okay talking about it.

When I talk about these things I mainly just wan to get it out. These are things I wish I had read about when I was a young writer trying to navigate these feelings and issues. I felt really alone and like a weirdo because I thought about these things and didn’t have the ability to express it.

So now what?

I am so close to 100 rejections y’all. It’s going down. I predict if I get my shit together by next month the list will be here for you to look at.

I’ve also for my own sanity started keeping a list of zines I love but who probably won’t publish me and where I most likely won’t be submitting again.

I also started a new thing, I write a lot of short things on my phone or in my paper notebook and haven’t done much with them. Until now. Head over to my new spot Extra Wordy where I will put tiny things.

Now if y’all will excuse me I have serious work to do. I have decided July is swing for the fences month. I’ve struck out twice thus far and am swinging for another.

Later taters.

OH wait next week book reviews and some stuff. So yay.

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