A Failure in the Care and Feeding of the Author.

It has come to our attention that there has been a distinct and terrible failure in the care and feeding of the author.

Someone (let us not name names, this person will feel the shame burning on their bottom regardless) has allowed the author to become terribly constipated.

This is not a drill.

Of course as all carers of writerly types know they can be delicate and easily upset creatures. A word put wrong, a computer program not responding properly, a deadline missed, a manuscript properly fucked can lead to what we in the business of caring for authors call, Toddler Level Meltdown.

As has been noted before, in the event of a Toddler Level Meltdown we realize the intial instinct of the carer may be to try and placate the author  with things such as but not limited to:

  • Fine chocolate
  • Fine Coffee
  • Ice Cream
  • Scotch
  • Whisky
  • Bourbon
  • Hot Toddies
  • Bum rubs

Etc.

However it is advised that carers approach the rapidly approaching meltdown author carefully. If it is a simple matter of a rebooted computer, new pen, refill, or nap proceed.

If it is a matter of being unable to poop, and let us all be adults here no metaphors, the author cannot take a nice healthy shit. This is serious business. The author must be approached with all due caution.

Constipated authors may guzzle coffee. They may overindulge in spicy or fiber laden foods that give them terrible gas.

If these approaches don’t work, the carer is advised to follow these instructions and God Be With You.

  1. Ask gently if author (especially if author is mumbling to themselves or rocking back and forth) it they need to poop. Offer magazines, books, pooping smokes etc. Gently. Watch your tone carers we do not want to frighten the authors delicate bowels.
  2. If author attempts to poop and is unsuccessful offers of belly rubs, I love yous and general near cuddling (no full cuddles that is not advised repeat: author may bite) until author is able to rest.
  3. Offer author foods that normally are off limits because of digestive distress. Milk, Ice cream, half and half in their coffee. Fiber muffins, fast food. Whatever normally accelerates things.
  4. Be prepared to deal with awful flatulence. It may or may occur to the carer to check the bottom of the author for dead skunks. Again, approach carefully. Do not startle the author as they may release a cloud of noxious odors from their nether regions.
  5. If the above does not assist author in having a healthy bm, next level intervention may be required. Offer (gently again, they bite) a preferably natural slow acting laxative. MOM, the extra gentle exlax, metamucil. Whatever.
  6. If Author accepts the offering of a laxative, have plenty of soft toilet paper, reading materials and patience.
  7. If that also does not work, leave author alone until they ask for help.

Again good carers, we with you God Speed and safety in your chosen vocation of Author Caretaker.

We understand that authors make generally terrible pets, awful partners and distracting roommates.

But thank you brave humans for helping preserve the future of literature one poop at a time.

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