I’ve mentioned before that I occasionally get long missives about my work and awfulness.
Over the weekend I got one that is very long and from a lot of the “critique” this person is at least superficially aware of my work and they are now as they put it, a former fan.
Put your goggles on I’m going in. I’m not quoting the whole thing because it was hurtful and I rage deleted it but some key phrases have stuck with me.
Consider this an open letter to Former Fan and anyone else who believes that if I’d just be a good Negress I’d succeed.
Dear Former Fan,
First of all, I appreciate you having some knowledge of the body of my work. If as you said you’ve been a supporter since my first ventures in getting published online, most of those being erotica thanks. I do appreciate the ride or die type.
Your objection to the changing of my voice and the tone of my work is fucking bullshit.
Given that you went to some lengths to conceal your identity and used a fake no longer functional email address. I’m going to assume you are sitting back reading my blogs through an anonymizer and that’s fine. So listen because I’m talking to you.
How dare you put your racist feelings on me. How. Dare. You.
You took the time to quote me some passages of my own work as examples of how “brain washed, ” I’ve become in terms of how I talk about race, racism etc. You quoted this piece as the penultimate example of just how far I’ve fallen into what I can only assume is a type of Blackness and Black expression that makes you uncomfortable.
One of the things that I have learned about the nonfiction I write is that when people are the most uncomfortable or buck the hardest are probably the people I’m talking about. You are the people I am talking about.
If the only way you can find value in my work is if I am expressing a type of racialized pain, or erotica that is just queer or non white related enough to seem exotic to you-you are a fucking racist.
Let me explain you a thing.
As I have mentioned in this very blog previously if you cannot look beyond your own Whiteness (and don’t front like you didn’t lead with “I”m White and I think”) to understand that Whiteness is just not ever going to fit me or my expression and that is okay it is natural and real; I am not for you.
If you “agree with other commenters on XOJane” that my writing is terrible and harmful, it is not for you.
If I am not the kind of fat bitch you fucks with, don’t fuck with me.
Don’t contact me again.
If you are really serious about making sure that folks know that my work is “against White People” as you put it, go ahead and leave me the fuck out of it.
If your goal is to somehow shame or hurt me into silence. Nice try. You tried but that is just not going to work.
Let me confess something here. I have a terrible need to accept people at face value for what they have said. Including when people don’t like my writing. In the case of some of the commentary on my XOJane series I have taken the time to talk out some of the points that folks have had because I couldn’t see it and find a lot of the constant cherry picking and nit picking disheartening and hurtful.
I had a few very important realizations after talking to others about it. In spite of how invested in being of service especially in terms of that particular subject matter, I can feel about the useless commentary the way I feel about it in my real life.
I don’t have to explain things that are pretty clear to a lot of other people.
I don’t have to sit and be hurt because I feel like regardless of what I do or don’t say, the same three points are going to be made over and over again.
“Both trolls and sadists feel sadistic glee at the distress of others. Sadists just want to have fun … and the Internet is their playground!”
This applies to you Former Fan.
You seem to be deeply concerned for my well being but only if I behave and write in ways that make you feel good about how racist and shitty your behavior is.
As I have gotten older, I am exploring being more vulnerable in my writing. It’s fucking hard. It hurts. And knowing that there are “fans” who wait for me to be vulnerable and then use that vulnerability to attack is fucking awful.
You are fucking awful.
So 800 some odd words later it boils down to this.
I will say again.
Don’t buy my shit.
Don’t read my shit.
Don’t fucking contact me again.
Don’t contact my friends/peers.
Don’t come here proffering your hurt fucking feelings couched in, I was just trying to help.
Understand that I do not ever want to be in a position where my “success” is defined by my proximity to and acceptance of Whiteness as rightness.
Not. Fucking. Ever.
If you want to hold that against me, tell potential publishers on me or follow me around so you can have proof of my malfeasance come the fuck on.
I’m fucking tired of you and your ilk.
Find a new hobby or just don’t talk to me about your shit cause ain’t nobody got time for that.
And no, lastly I will not cease code switching in both my speech and writing.
You have fucking google.
Okay that’s all.
There is your response Former Fan. I hope it hurt your fucking feelings.