Okay so the main part of my financial OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK emergency is pretty much over and I can settle down and think. What follows is some real talk.
As things settle down on the household front I’ve had some time to think about my writing and what I want out of it financially and whether or not that is actually in reach for me.
At first thought I panicked. The idea of any kind of patronage beyond what people have done for me (the tips, using my affiliate links, the chromebook, pants when I needed a pair) just freaks my shit right out. I’m not a person used to having people do such kind things for me and emotionally while it is wonderful it’s also super hard. I don’t know what to do and get overwhelmed.
This part of creating is so new for me. Knowing that I have reached out from the void and touched people enough to buy things I’ve written or be supportive of my voice is just overwhelming. It’s great. Yes it is fucking awesome but it’s also scary.
That is something I just have no clue how to navigate but I am working on it. That bit of OH SHIT OH SHIT has been downgraded to awww shit yeah.
SO that part I’m getting a handle on.
The next part is the idea of doing something formalized like Patreon presents a fuckload of issues and pushes a lot of my buttons.
First problem. When someone suggested I try out Patreon my first instinct was but who the fuck am I? A lot of the folks I know who are/have used patreon have huge followings.
I don’t think I do.
I mean, I’m not sure?
Do I have the uh, right to ask this? I feel like I already ask a lot. Read my shit that might make you hella uncomfortable, spread the word. That feels like a lot.
This comes from me doing this by myself.
I have (for my entire adult life and through most of the things I do) this idea that I in particular am not supposed to ask for help or support on this level.
Cue cognitive dissonance like a mother fucker.
On a logical level I know that if I could wrangle even like 60$ a month through something like Patreon I would in a few months be far enough ahead to not only get the bare bones shit taken care of but to maybe resubscribe to PW or buy the external harddrive for back up that I need.
When I boil down the what do I want out of this patronage idea it’s mainly a little bit of space to relax.
I have been told by people that I do deserve to have financial support and payment for my work.
Accepting that as a thing I can even think about has proven to be way more difficult than I anticipated. The first time someone said that to me without any buts or if you did X, I ugly cried in the shower because I never thought that would be a thing I could expect or think about.
I feel like it’s really important for me as a human being to document this stuff. THis is the stuff I wanted to know about when I was a wee kidlet writer.
Also this shit is just fucking hard.
So the takeaway for me is that I need to consider this.
I need to remember that yes it is in fact okay for me in particular to ask for support. Also to be sad if I can’t make happen what I want to happen.
I am working on really narrowing my focus as to what my needs are so I can articulate it for a possible patreon thing.
That’s all for right now.
Things are happening that are exciting.
But also scary as fuck.