I’ve had a month full of bullshit things happen.
There has been a fall, a lot of anxiety, some depression, I dropped my phone and it’s not really working very well and the screen is fucked. I broke a pair of beloved shoes. The zipper on my only winter coat broke. The laptop cart/desk thing I bought is in fact a piece of shit and the Dude is going to have to McGuyver it to make it work decently/comfortably. My body is suffering a long bout of broken REM sleep insomnia that is making me shake and hurt and I have difficulty doing anything some days.
I’ve failed to get into a position to release the next version of SCLAB on time.
Everything feels pretty fucked.
It’s been a weird time.
The biggest problem has been my inability to let myself do what I know how to do.
I suspect this happens to other writers. My current struggle is pretty all in, physical, emotional etc. I just am not pleased with myself (no actually I’m fucking pissed to be honest) and I doubt my ability to put out another book the way I’m supposed to and produce the print stuff and write my SCLAB blog posts, and my author newsletter and maybe try to get published or write some fiction.
So what do I do?
I sit at my shitty little desk at 2 AM writing. Still trying to catch up from my data losses. Trying not to stress vomit on anything and still feeling deeply disappointed with myself.
The next thing to do is probably scale back. I need to figure out what I can actually do versus what I think I should be doing.
To be honest, I’m pretty stuck on what I think I should be able to do which is fucking everything.
I don’t know.
I’m working on it. Trying not to hate fuck my brain with my own bullshit.
Now it’s not all doom and gloom.
For a bit of good news, head over here and check out a big ole tasty chunk of my urban fantasy novella in progress that I’ve been sharing with folks who support me on Patreon. This is something I’ve been told is a terrible mistake but fuck it. Go to the link download it, read it, enjoy it.
I’m ashamed of a lot of shit, but not of how my work progresses and this little adventure is a natural extension of that. I used to fantasize about reading a first draft, then the next draft and then the final thing to watch how it happens. I was always curious about what is picked to be left in, what’s taken out. How things wander.
What else is coming?
I have no idea.
But here’s to 2016 being better.
I will probably wrap up my Yeah, Write series and tuck those away. I have a bigger idea for it that I will probably start getting out after AWP.