I had a very nice quiet new year celebration. NYE I made it through my work day and made it home before midnight. Uniballer (my partner) sedated the fuck out of me and fed me. I was so excited I was fighting my sedatives because on Friday we went to go see Star Wars.
No review yet because feelings but I loved it so much. I got teary when Finn came on screen, I got teary when I saw Rey kicking so much ass. I wore my low key Femme Vader Cosplay outfit that I’ve been planning for weeks.
If life were totally fair, I’d probably dress somewhat like this all the time, but yanno snow I don’t drive etc.
Then we went to our favorite buffet for the New Year’s Day eats and holyfuckballs.
Well, I broke down a little and sat by myself and what’s been going on with me.
I realized that the amount of stress I’ve put on myself about SCLAB, my author newsletter, thinking about launching some other stuff has just not been okay.
I desperately want to do EVERYTHING and do it well. Desperately. To the point I am deeply unkind- no, let’s be honest. I’m fucking myself up. I know full damn well that I can’t write anything good when I can’t be decent to myself. When I add to my own anxiety and panic to the point all I can do is sit at my desk and shake.
I’m having to work really hard on not falling down a self hate filled shame hole because my anxiety has been off the fucking chain lately. I would never treat other people the way I’ve been treating myself and my work.
So I’m working on it.
To deal with some of it I’ve been paper journaling and writing some fiction. I keep having to stop and remind myself that no I am not superman able to leap vomity panic attacks in a single bound.
I don’t totally know how to deal with myself right now.
All that said, while I am trying to take care of myself while I struggle through some mental health shit, things might be weirder and slower than usual.
One thing at a time.
I’ve decided to leave my free chunk of the Daiyu Saga up for a few more days. Go find that here.
2016 I’m gonna eat you like a fucking pie.
I’m gonna be okay. Or at least I’m gonna try.