I’m still sick and at work doing some stuff and I have more confessions to make.
Sooo along with my general failures in accomplishing a lot of things I’ve also found myself in a very uncomfortable place with some of my work.
I’ve talked a bit about how hard it has been for me to teach myself how to write really personally. Not issue personally, not politic personal. The real naked, vulnerable Shannon personal.
I’m so uncomfortable.
Writing wise, my emotions are just right here. Bleeding all over while I sit in my chair at home or work quivering because I’m still having a deep anxiety problem and quivering because I just told y’all that.
After so many years of writing about somewhat personal shit, being fat, feminism, racism and how they’ve impacted my life but for as close to the bone as I’ve gotten with that, a lot of my new stuff is closer in ways that might be all in my head.
It’s been really fucking hard. And because I am who I am I worry a lot about things such as but not limited to:
- If I’m not ranting or raving or pissed off does anyone give a shit?
- Will anyone buy shit?
- I know most trolling I can write off. But what if it’s really personal beyond OMG WE HATE THIS BLOGGER NOW SHE WRITES FOR A SITE WE HATE.
- Who the fuck am I kidding?
- I am not a real memorist.
My general approach to fear in my work and often in my life (sometimes to my own detriment) is to put on my spiritual football helmet, put my head down and go.
However while I’m going, I’m also spending a lot of time staring at whatever I’ve just written talking to myself:
Me: The fuck did you just say?
Me: Uh, the thing I’m writing.
Me: Can you delete that please?
Me: DELETE ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT
and it devolves into me sitting sweating swearing at myself.
But, I still write it.
And right now I have to go upload one of the things that has caused me bubble guts, sweating, trembling and cursing at self.
And I’m feeling echoes of this across other things.
I’m excited, but a little bit on the shit my pants in terror side of things too.
Now goodnight shiny people.