I’m all back from AWP and you can read part one of my series about it here at medium AND over there see video of my full reading from Unchaste.
I’m back at work and back at figuring out what’s next for my writing.
The first thing I got done when I got back was my budget.
Things I absolutely must budget to get done/get:
- Payback a few lingering AWP expenses
- A new chair to work in at home. The one I have I can only use it for about 15 minutes at a time before I have back spasms or it comes apart.
- Fully restock household health stuff.
What else needs to happen?
- Talk to a dear friend so I can unfuck my chapbook design/layout and get it printed up and signed and in my etsy store.
- I need to clean up some good vintage Doc martens and other goth shits that don’t fit me anymore to sell.
- Get together some new stuff to shop around for freelancing.
- Buckle down on SCLAB stuff.
- Buckle down on other new sooper seekrit project.
So y’all see that for the next couple of months I really need to up that side hustle cash so I can produce more other stuff. My love stuff.
Now that I’m pretty much used to being back on Mon-Fri at the day job I think I might shoot for one day a week, maybe a Saturday (if I can) to work out of the house. That might take a while because I’m trying to keep some big anxiety down to a dull roar.
Also, my financial situation has taken another downturn. Unfortunately how often I get paid from my dayjob has changed and that working with my rent increase has been really hard. Like super fucking stressful and trying to deal with it has been a challenge.
Sometimes when you’re poor it feels like once you get into the groove of some things, shit just gets yanked out from under you. I’ve felt a deep discomfort my whole life in terms of economic security and now that I’m trying to throw a fucking art in the mix, shit is just hard.
I have to fight myself to not fall into a shame hole that most of my writing doesn’t contribute financially. Or that my crocheting hobby and subsequent yarn stash doesn’t yield extra cash.
I’ve been battling those particular demons really hard. I find myself questioning whether or not I really should have my little coffee ritual at my dayjob.
Whether or not I really needed to buy that beautiful grey paper to print my zines on.
Should I try pitching places I don’t feel good about because they pay?
The shit I’ve done before and KNOW goddamn well isn’t good for me, but I am back in economic trauma feelings and while I’m not drowning, I’m not doing too well. I know that trying to take on something that is equivalent to a part time job as in a freelancing gig will not go well for me so I’m trying not to do that. So yeah. Some shit is going on.
I wasn’t going to mention all that, but I was serious about keeping it 100.
Sooooooooooooooooooo…long story long- I’m changing my grind and trying to up my hustle while being kind of healthy, letting myself sleep and maybe write shit that just brings me joy.
And goddamn it is hard y’all. It’s really fucking hard. This is the artist life and it kind of isn’t awesome.