On The Writer’s Mind

How about a wee update?

With AWP over I have space to get on with some other things.

The first thing on my mind is conquering doing my little chapbook/zine thing. I’ve discovered that I’m actually not great at this process and trying to figure out the printing alone made me lose all of my shit.Less than 12 hours before leaving what I thought would be simple times, print staple put in bag turned into crying and a self hate-tey shame spiral about being terrible at everything.

I’m starting over with it. Currently the Motherfuckess Manifesta and Other Poems is in limbo. I stripped out my bad formatting and will turn it into a PDF today. I might skip printing it for now and just do the downloadable PDF over at Etsy.

If I sell some of those I’ll redo the print run of signed/numbered editions for folks who want them.

Now on to some maths. Updates from this post.

I went ahead and bought the chair. I spent about 63$ and even though some other financial shit went sideways it was a worthy investment.

This month I still need to pay my phone bill, some repayment for some lingering AWP stuff and as of the first I believe some new etsy fees from relisting some lit stuff.

Other stuff I’m going to need to start saving for:

  • Teeth stuff. I’ll need to save up about 950$
  • New phone. I’m looking in the range of 200-300$ or so ish. Hopefully I can get the glass fixed on this phone and rock it until at least January.
  • A pair of backup glasses

So yeah. I’m trying really hard not to fall down a HUSTLE ALL THE TIME hole which is never good but it’s hard. I’ve been trying really hard to adjust to my new higher cost of living and y’all, there has also been fuckery with my landlord and it just pushes every trauma button I have.

My partner and I were at a point financially where shit wasn’t all just plain survival and I feel like a big nasty failure because stuff changed and I’m no longer able to provide in a way that means we can have some fun outside the house sometimes.

I’m also trying to balance taking care of my health in here. I’ve been finding myself falling back into the stress, anxiety, depression, deep as fuck hole and I’m paddling like mad to stay out of the undertow.

I have successfully managed not to let myself try to get a part time job in retail or something. I know my health will not stand for that and I would not be able to write. Acknowledging that even while I work on a project that will likely not net me any cash has been really fucking hard.

While I’m being all vulnerable and shit.

At this point in my writing life, I’ve finally come to an uneasy peace with the things I’m not great at. Newsy, time important stuff is not my stuff.

That’s okay.

Most of what I write is not going to make me money. That part has been more difficult to get through, especially as the financial stuff tightens up.

I feel like a lot of the peace I had with that is slowly spider webbing and is going to shatter. Trying to process the deeply seeded guilt I feel about doing arty shit and not bringing in commensurate income is just there, right now it feels like all the time and I feel trapped and alone and panicky.

On one hand, I feel like I don’t want a lot. I want to pay my rent and bills, maybe get some tattoos, cute clothes and to take my partner out to nice dinners and drinks sometimes.

I don’t know right now.

All I can do is get my head down and work because that’s the only way I know of that will let me deal with these things without drowning in them.

So that said, I’ll have a special announcement soon.

That’s all y’all. Back on that grind time.

 

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