I’ve been kind of keeping to myself a bit. As they say I’m in the fuckin weeds again.
The last few weeks (again, a-fucking-gain) have been really emotionally traumatic for me. I was able to make sure a friend was not at Pulse that night, though, the odds that she was were really high.
Other shit has happened.
My heart is aching.
I’ve been squatting in the intersections where I live and work and everything and have had a few Oh. Shit. Come To Jesus conversations with myself.
While I’ve been (still) trying to do some more freelancing, I’ve come to realize more than ever that because I’m who I am, a lot of those opportunities are not for me.
I have been feeling this kind of deep burning guilt. The kind that kills my ability to write the good shit. A bunch of little things piled up to become a big lava rock in my gut.
The thing with freelancing is that I just don’t like how a lot of publications do things. I understand that nobody gives a shit because that’s how they make money, but, I just can’t.
I don’t really want to write bullshit for pennies.
And I’m not good at fast turnaround bullshit.
I feel like I already spend a lot of time not doing the arty shit that moves me. And though I’m full of passions I’m still timid because money is a real fucking thing.
I know if I could churn out more freelancey content and get paid a lot of things would be easier financially but emotionally that makes me feel numb.
The other problem is frankly, I have zero fucking chill. I know I’ve probably hurt the feefees of some editors because I have a big fucking mouth and I’m not with a lot of bullshit. On one hand, I’m sure that at least one of the White writers who told me that my big mouth and not putting up with racist shit attitude would be to my own detriment were entirely right.
On the flipside, maybe my loud mouth might get through to a person or two someday.
I guess it’ll be okay. I’m still struggling not to feel like I’m doing everything in some bullshit manner because I don’t want to further compromise my heart.
What else is happening?
I’m about to (after I install new memory in my laptop) start learning video editing and maybe I will in fact produce a tiny poetry film this year.
I’ve been working on essays. Narrative essays and some kind of poem like essays about shit I want to talk about.
And some other stuff.
I’m still pretty awash in poor kid guilt but god damn it, I get to make art too. You know?