Things. Failure. Brokeness.

Let’s talk lit world stuff I’m into right now.

The first thing is that Yeah Write is doing something great. The Super Challenge:

The yeah write super challenge is a prompted challenge, where writers compete to complete the best work of short creative nonfiction in a single weekend. Prompts are released on Friday, and the completed work must be turned in by Sunday night.

The competition is run in three rounds. Half the writers will move to the second round of competition, and approximately ten writers will advance to the final round of competition. All competing writers will receive feedback on their work at the end of each round from the judges. The final ten writers will compete for cash prizes for first, second and third place.

Go check it out here. I think if you want to learn about flash essays, this is a great way to do it. No, they didn’t pay me. I just really like them.

What else?

So I’ll be unpublishing my chapbook The Motherfuckess Manifesta here soon. If you’d like a copy head here. It is 3.50 and all proceeds go towards keeping yours truly housed and fed.

Also one other thing before I get hella emo. Over at Patreon I posted a free Daiyuverse story you can get here. It is my first try at a romantic YA flavored thing.

Okay, I’m gonna put in a read more because I’m having feelings about being a failure. Being poor and unable to do all the things necessary to make my art/writing life more sustainable.

First, let me say this.

I am a failure. And it’s okay. I have failed at many things in my life. I fail frequently at doing a lot of stuff. Currently I’m failing at making Patreon more successful, selling my writing, finishing some writing and in general being a published author.

I am also a failed freelancer.

It has taken me almost all of my 39 years to learn not to beat the shit out of myself for not being good at everything I set out to do.  I am just going to fail at some things.

That has been incredibly difficult for me to accept.

The problem I’m having right now is that because I am not the greatest at marketing or fundraising, shit is kind of dire.

The circle goes like this:

  1. The financial situation at home is tight, like duck asshole tight.
  2. I get very stressed out over things like keeping the phone on, keeping partner medicated, etc.
  3. The more stressed I am, the less able to write i am.
  4. I panic.
  5. I do some promo, list some etsy shit.
  6. #5 fails or I feel guilty that I cost the household 5.00 because of listing fees.
  7. Feel shitty.
  8. Expend all my energy on low pay side hustles.
  9. Be unable to write.
  10. Rinse.
  11. Repeat.
  12. Get the anxiety shits.

So on one hand, I accept that I am a failure at certain things. I feel like a lot of my progress in not fucking with myself on that level gets all fucked up when I’m afraid I won’t be able to get my partner medication or we’re having to eat food that makes them not feel well because I can’t do X thing better.

Trying to make peace with this shit while being a person who lives in poverty and on the cusp of everything going all the way bad is pretty terrible.

Right now I’m trying to figure out how to not be feeling this way because it is counter productive and the reason why I started a Patreon and did the etsy thing.

After sitting with it for a while I realized that it’s not the failure that stresses me out. I’m good at failing. Failing is human and I am spectacularly human.

So what is my problem?

Poverty.

So with that I will say, I’ll keep hustling. I’ll do what I do and try not to freak myself out too much.

It’s hard, but it’s what I got.

That’s all for now. Later tatertots.

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