Yeah Write Entry #298- Desiderium For RG

 

Desiderium*

by

Shannon Barber

 

I want.

I need.

Black wings, a flutter against my skull. I see you and can’t stop the thoughts. Is this mania? When I see the skin beneath your ear, all I can think about is how soft it is, how vulnerable. Teeth or blade? Kiss or bite? Predation. Lust.

Thoughts, bubbling like black water. Thoughts red and bloody.

I want.

I need.

Id rattling the bars. I am a shell.

A caress that precedes a slap, your hand around my throat. A threatening squeeze that echoes in my cunt.

I want.

I need.

My nails in your back, dragging skin until thin blood mixes with hot sweat.

Later, when we are spent, bruised and battered we will weep.

Drop salt tears on my breast, your cock hard again in my hand.

I am want.

I am need.

*I am longing for what is lost. 

###

PS

I will craft nerd about this tomorrow and explain a thing. Also it is dedicated to and inspired by one of my Muses Remittance Girl.

Flash Friday- Smutty edition.

I have had a hell of a week. So how about some smutty flash fiction to start the weekend?

I have a terrible and wonderful love/obsession with Vagina Dentata.

Here, have this little dreamy piece about it.Next week, I’ll do a sample from my writing classes I’m working on featuring this piece and an exercise.

Enjoy.

Gia’s Secret

I blame my loudmouth roommate for this entire situation.

When JJ got home from her date with Gia.

I heard her say-

“Goddamn Gia is a toothy cunt.”

I think that is what she said. I don’t know I was too busy being drunk and low key in love with Gia.

What I heard was-

“Goddamn Gia has a toothy cunt.”

Had I not been so drunk I would have understood.

I was drunk because I had just broken up with my girlfriend and upon hearing that my roommate was going on a date with my crush I did the sensible thing. I bought an enormous bottle of cheap wine and took the couch.

JJ stopped to lean over the couch to look down at me.

“You should call Gia and ask her out on a date. She is way more your type than mine. And you should probably go to bed. You’re really drunk.”

I don’t remember JJ putting me in bed or stripping me. I do remember her taking my bag of chips away and putting a bottle of water on my nightstand.

After she left me, I lay there turning over the idea of Gia in my head.

My cunt started to burn, I felt the blood moving, my lips swelling and wanting to be touched. I waited, thinking about JJ’s comment.

“Gia has a toothy cunt.”

Toothy cunt, toothy cunt. I closed my eyes and pictured her fine, lean brown body. I’d seen her naked before. Shit, I’ve seen almost all of my friends naked. We have stripped together, tricked together, been photographed together. Yet, I could not remember if I had seen teeth or not.

Gia is sleek where I am not. She is muscled and tight, catlike and androgynous in a classic kind of way. I wonder if she still has that precision trimmed bush, verdant in a tightly controlled way that is beyond sexy. My fingers move between my own thighs as I imagine the topography of her cunt.

Are her lips dark like the ones on her face? Do they have that petulant mean curve, do they fold soft and wrinkly as wilting fern fronds? Could I get them to swell and spread with just one finger? Just one finger dragged slowly just where they protrude, just a tickle. Just enough to promise more but not enough to deliver.

I saw myself with my face between her strong thighs, dipping my tongue into the crenulated secrets of her cunt before peeling her lips open to tickle her sharp secret teeth.

Eyes closed I imagined dipping my tongue just inside her, just enough to feel the slick of teeth on the tip of my tongue.

Unwise as the desire might be I wouldn’t recoil from the slick smoothness, I would smile against her. I could almost taste her, feel her lithe, muscular body twisting, warning me of the danger to come.

Against the backdrop of my closed eyes, I tried to paint her, lips full and dark, slick and revealing the barest sliver of deepest wet red. Wet as a screaming mouth full of danger.

I’d want her fuck hungry, ready to devour me whole.

I neared orgasm the world grayed out around me, I must have passed out because I woke up with a fuzzy mouth and my hand wedged between my thighs.

I couldn’t remember coming or not, but I did remember vivid dreams of a flash of teeth, old ivory buried inside hot wet red.

The beauty of my fixation is that I have a date with Gia tonight and I hope to come home tongueless.

 

Feelings I have about Writing right now.

I’m still sick as fucking shit and I’m very cranky and shit.

So a list of indignities no wait feelings.

  • On Transgressive writing. I think my ideas about transgression often seem to be way far out comparative to what I read that is labeled as transgressive fiction.
  • I am still really not comfortable given the things I have been reading around in the industry side of sf/f submitting/really working on that stuff.
  • I have feelings regarding the above thing that I honestly do not know what to do with and it is fucking up me practicing writing that stuff a lot.
  • I am sort of over my habit of writing tiny flash things that are just…weird. More in a not really classifiable way rather than a bizarro kind of way.
  • I have some horror ideas I’m having trouble translating from brain to paper.
  • Where are the transgressive things that are not exclusionary of the sexually transgressive? No? Yeah okay.

I feel like I need to sort out and write about my feelings regarding the exclusion of sexuality/the erotic in supposedly transgressive literature.

I suppose my tastes are maybe too wide? Or is my opinion that if we’re gonna get transgressive let’s get it an odd idea?

I don’t know.

My brain is foggy as fuck right now.

So I might just go play with some of my apparently not for publication hings and stew about the whole transgression thing.

Bleh.

However.

I’m almost done reading Bad Sex on Speed by Jerry Stahl. That mother fucker.

I may talk about this more in depth in the future but I am a former speedfreak. Not meth thank you Gods of Chaos but I was a drug snob and loved me some speed.

There is something I love so much about drug related lit that actually captures the in your brain things. Shit I hate being so foggy I can’t articulate what I’m thinking.

At any rate it is a good goddamn book.

Um yeah.

I should stop now I’m going downhill.

I’m going to drink some tea and try to stay conscious because I’m at work.

About Men’s Erotica.

First go read this interview posted over on Remittance Girl’s page between RG and the editors of the Best Men’s Erotica antho.

The most interesting part to me was this bit about what they are wanting to see in BME (incidentally if it gives you an eye into my proclivities I had to fight not to read it as Body Modification Ezine):

What are you looking for in the Best Men’s Erotica entries in terms of approach?

Will Crimson:

Not just fuck stories, but self-awareness — awareness of ones own masculinity, how ones masculinity attracts a woman, persuades her to have sex, brings her to orgasm and influences her view of that connection afterward. Alternately, what is it about masculinity that makes a woman want to seduce a man? What is it that she is willing to surrender to or, alternately, what vulnerability (in masculinity) does she savor and want to seduce? What *is* it about the masculine that *works* for women? What do women see in the masculine and what do men enjoy about their own masculinity? How does their masculinity define their understanding of the feminine? Do they see the feminine as something to subdue? Do women see the masculine as something to submit to? What about when those relationships are reversed? What does it mean to be a masculine submissive?

These are all questions which deserve an answer, even if only provisional one. What is masculine sexual energy and how is that used to attract the feminine — and what does the feminine pursue in it and want from it?

Raziel Moore:

For BME, I want to see inside the male characters’ heads – either directly through POV, or through the illumination of action and perceptions from the narrative. Beyond physical sensation, or want, or hunt, or conquest, are the thoughts, desires, and conflicts that drive them. Even the simplest, most vanilla love story is _not_ simple. We don’t call it ‘stepping lightly in love’ for a reason; the man falling has a story, and I want to hear it. And men don’t operate in a vacuum. Their partner(s) or potential partners are ‘other’, but not objects (or, if they are treated as or act as objects, the “why” of that can be a whole additional layer of complexity). How does the male character’s internal circumstance manifest? How does it interact and affect that other? What is the consequence, the feedback, the ultimate change of state over the course of the story – from physical to emotional and more? That’s the kind of story I would love to read.

From my perspective given that I often write from a male POV I found this very interesting.

Between these two answers there is a difference in approach I find very interesting.  Will’s answer is very towards heterosexual male/female masculine/feminine. Where Raziel uses more inclusive language that leaves more area of interpretation as to what can happen surrounding masculine sexuality.

One of the problems I’ve seen in erotica right now is that a lot of markets tend to shy away from that open interpretation. Both erotica written for/by men and for/by women. For me as a reader this has presented a problem because I am not heterosexual and as I’ve mentioned a lot of what is in the market now just does nothing for me.

Looking at this interview and the call for submission (read that here) there is something that a lot of publishers are missing.

This:

Character, story, and situation are open. Be literate and erotic. Our common orientation is heterosexual, but bi/pan/tran/homosexual stories are welcome and encouraged. If it can turn on or erotically resonate with someone who’s not a dyed in the wool homophobe, we’re interested. The primary focus of the sexual action is the male experience, male sexuality including but not limited to pleasure, is the main element. Style, humor, and intensity are all open; and happy endings are not required.

Many markets and even editors these days are riding the cash flow. Cash flows for romance that is often formulaic in what people are asking for. Heterosexual, Gay and the occasional bisexual tryst. There is also the market for (to steal Remittance Girl’s phrase) sexed up classics. Read what she had to say about those here.

From the perspective of my own work, it is deeply refreshing to see the bolded.  Will and Raz (both of whom are fine authors in their own rights I dig their work) have opened a door and taken a stance intentional or not that bucks current trends.

I appreciate their clearly stated desire for literate and erotic. There is an unfortunate dearth of that in the market.

As a writer (I may or may not submit I haven’t decided yet) because I don’t write what sells in the mainstream markets, this sort of call gives me a glimmer of hope where I have honestly had none.

Again I have to say that there is room for all kinds of erotica.

Even if I don’t submit I want to read this collection. I want to see some aspects of male sexuality that go beyond have big dick will travel. I am a greedy reader. Give me something beyond the homogenous White, gorgeous, romantic (in terms of romance as it’s own trope) people having tender loving rooted in one type of love.

Let me say again if that’s what you read or write that’s fine. Go on with your bad self.

Perhaps I had the misfortune of coming of age in a time when erotica in print and on the internet was this wide open field of many kinds of sex and sexuality.  If I wanted to read erotica that was/is transgressive and mean it wasn’t difficult to find. If I wanted fucked up love, one off I will fuck you because you’re here type stories, etc etc they were pretty plentiful.

Overall this is another reason that I am excited about Burning Book Press.  Both as a reader and a writer.  I desperately hope more presses start taking their approach and diversifying.

There’s nothing wrong with any of the erotica currently available in the world. Remember that please. What’s wrong is how hard it is to have to dig in order to be served. It’s unnecessary and demoralizing.

Okay that’s all.

 

Oh my.

I’m just finishing up a few pieces of erotica.

They are filthy, kinky gender fucking madness.

They are not romantic.

They are not sensual (fuck I hate that word).

They are not stories I would be okay with having arty airbrushed White people on the covers of.

They aren’t really “ethnic” enough for arty airbrushed brown people.

Two of them are pants scorchers. They are similar but one is marginally hetero flavored the other one lesbian.

There is a lot of crying, spanking and big dicking lady Leather Daddies.

From the time of my first erotic publication about what now 15 years ago or so? The market has been heavily romanticized and homogenized.

Frankly the erotica that is to my taste (I’ll give links and suggestions later) is rare.

As I’ve said before, the covers bother me. I’d rather have a plain cover though I know that’s a bad marketing move.

But, I can’t bring myself to submit to some of the few places I might sneak in because I don’t see me being marketed to.

I was just checking out one press and every category except the ‘ethnic” one was oceans of White people who are all very conventionally attractive in a stock photo kind of way, unchallenging and for me as a reader not really a turn on.

I’m in that bitter place where I feel edged out because what I think is romantic and makes me tingly in the crotchal region isn’t what brings in the big bucks.

Or maybe this is one of those angsting author things.

I don’t know.

What I mostly feel as I do my market research is this:

  • Uncomfortable (pick a reason. I’m not heterosexual, I’m not White, I’m not into that being all there is)
  • Transgressive in my queer up all the things attitudes towards how I write sexuality.
  • Unmarketable.
  • Disquiet. Where (as I believe Remittance Girl has asked) is the edge? Where is the fuck you (no that’s not how she put it) in all these nice romantic with some spanking things?

All that said, I don’t care if that’s what you like or what you write.

Shit go on with your bad self. Write it like a mother fucker and make that money if you can. That’s awesome.

What’s not awesome is that every time I go to maybe submit some smut someplace, feeling all those feelings that are not good.

When romance started filtering into the industry and there were fewer edgy (I also hate using that word in this context) markets I stopped writing a lot of erotica.

We know I don’t generally write for profit.

But I don’t want to let them molder.

I’m tempted to self publish them.

However I am not the best at that.

Self promotion isn’t my strong suit.

So I’m going to collect them up and maybe shop it to some of the more adventurous presses.

I don’t know.

I suppose the part that always gets me is the fact that there’s room for all of the things.

From boot licking in an alley nasty to the sweet sweet romantic.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

So okay what do I like? Let me show you some of my favorites. These are classics in my head:

Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power edited by Simon Shepphard and M. Christian.  Uh fuck this book is so hot. SO hot. Raunchy, filthy, nasty and everything I love.

If you like erotica and don’t know M. Christian’s work come on son. My favorite way to be a M. Christian pusher is his collection Dirty Words. Just get it.

Best Bisexual erotica. Get all of them.

So yes those are pretty queer but if you look at even the descriptions you’ll probably get what I’m talking about.

I’m tired and emotional. I should get my contacts out and calm down. It will be fine. I will figure it out.

In the meantime go buy a dirty book you won’t be sorry.

When she makes magic.

Full disclosure.

First you should know that all I’m doing today is talking about my dear friend and someone I admire and love deeply Remittance Girl.

If you’re not familiar with her work, go back and read this entry with an interview I did with her.

Okay let’s get started.

First of all for background I was reading RG years before I ever said hello. I don’t recall if it was a writers list or via twitter or whatever but yes, I adore her.

Next I need you to read this post from the ERWA blog that she wrote.

If you don’t want to read it now read this bit:

But our challenge, as writers of the erotic, is to take that on. Not to flinch, not to look away, not to cheat by reducing the acts or the characters we write to caricatures or myths, or take refuge in the more socially acceptable sanctuary of romantic love.  And that’s why, unless our culture changes radically, we will always be transgressors in the literary world when we pursue the task of writing the erotic.

Now this is from the end is and is the part that speaks the most to me personally as an author.

Over the years I have realized that the work I do that moves me, that makes me feel the best as an author are always the things that hurt. They smart. In the last say five years or so, I have really tried to unlearn restraint.

Especially when it comes to writing erotica.

If you look at the story I posted the other day, this is clearly not a woman speaking who is necessarily after the warm gooshy feelings of love. She wants fuck. She wants degredation and to be punched in the mouth. In another story I have tucked away, the two characters are not quite hate fucking but absolutely not making love.

They are complicated.

I believe RG is correct about this not flinching being one of the reasons erotica will always be transgressive.

Outside of the usual heteronormative framework of boy meets, girl, dates, maybe fucks eventually everything turns out okay in the end, every other desire becomes transgressive.

More so if you consider that this framework is part of the White heterosexual is the default, everything else is outside of that and therefor becomes a transgression simple because it is not that.

This is not something I will argue about because it’s simply true.

Even in the context of LGBT fiction, anything outside of the very normative whiteness of it all is outsider.

This is something I wrestled with once upon a time. When I thought the only sites who would publish me would be the odd erotic website. Back then, I wrote what I felt I had to write in order for my writing to be published.

Everyone in my stories was thin, white and beautiful.

I hated a lot of them but I wrote them because sometimes I made a little money but mostly I just wanted my stories to be read.

Because I am not into those things, the normative ideas about sex beauty and romance, I spent a lot of time just trying to make it work. Occasionally I got in my subversive ideas. A lot of the time those “subversions” included such shockers as interracial sex that was not focused on the aspect of OMG BLACK ASS, fat lusty women without any fat asshole tropes or objectification, drugs all sorts of shit.

And then I stopped writing erotica all together save for filthy little things I sent to friends or kept for myself.

It is frankly exhausting to produce work that you know is outside of a.) what is selling like hotcakes and b.) will be challenging to people who rely on normative things for comfort and enjoyment.

Let me say here as well that if what you like is boy meets girl happily ever after type things, that is perfectly okay. If you read 50 Shades of Grey and think it is the epitome of awesome that’s great too.

For the people who don’t feel that way or need something different things can be exhausting. It’s demoralizing to a degree. It’s a hard spot to get through.

Back to RG.

As we know I love her work.

I just recently bought this book by her on kindle and have been reading it on my phone.

I’m going to try not to give too much away here.

So the main female character Sophie, I can’t stand her. I want to gag her and slap her. This is when RG does magic, because of my dislike of Sophie I love the male character that much more. The way he is written and how he treats her makes me empathize and want to see Sophie evolve as a character which, as I get further into the book is done masterfully.

This is why I love RG’s work so much and the thing I need to be turned on.

And yes, this story is hot stem to knee (I’m not quite to stern yet).

Frequently heterosexual sex doesn’t do it for me but because this is so well written, it’s fucking hot.

I’m saying you should read it.

Also she has a new book out which I will be buying sometime soon and you should read that one as well.

What I’m really saying here is that, I need from both the creative end and the enjoyment end for things to have some roughness. I don’t need pretty white people having nice safe sex.

It keeps me going. It turns me on. It gets me off.

In a world full of so many things that annoy, hurt and bore me writers who do this kind of magic keep me going.

It’s what I strive for in my own writing.

In summation, Remittance Girl=mother fucking beauty and I am eternally grateful for having discovered her and other authors like her.

That’s all.