ACTUALLY before I talk about that, I need to talk about something associated.
Being a writer as many have pointed out for ages is that being a writer is lonely AF. These days, at least for me part of being a writer in the modern world is just fucking astonishingly confounding.
For me, in particular, coming to terms with first learning the necessity of being able to be creator, marketer, publicist, etc for myself was really hard. None of these were things I included in my learning when I was a kidlet baby writer. The learning process for these things has been beyond hard for me.
Recently, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that the entrepenurial part of being a modern writer, and being an indie writer is not something I am capable of doing successfully. I have failed that part so hard.
I’m not looking for smoke up my butt.
These are the facts. I cannot sell my own material to save my life.
Had this been ten years ago, I’d be sobbing right now and so angry with myself I’d not be able to breath.
We met via the Rumpus. Awww LOOK at that baby face they have. My friend Antonia Crane was doing this series of interviews and I love her work and then there was -that- interview and thus a literary love affair was begun. Since then we have written each other long love letters, I wrote a story for their naked cam work, we made SCLAB book baby together.
The other thing is that Milcah has done something for me that I’ve been dreaming about since I was a baby potato writer- a partner who can hear me at my worst, who believes me, who when we work together fits my (omg Deadpool reference) weird curvy edges AND believes and shares part of my dreams.
Milcah has been that person.
Milcah can do so many things I just am no good at. The business parts. Our writing is different enough that when we work on things together, there’s a fluidity that runs through both of us as humans that works.
Milcah and I are a mother fucking literary power couple.
So, that said.
Because of a lot of stuff that’s happened in our long love letter exchanges and me feeling supported, seen and recognized enough to admit and not hate my failure in selling/being able to do that stuff for myself, my creative/writing bucketlist has changed and exploded.
How things are looking right now:
- Letting go of an attachment to baller freelancer status.
- Write first, sell later.
- Embracing my natural and established patterns of work that enable me to write the best material I can.
- Less stress over being the ALL the things artist.
- More enthusiasm to be the artist I actually am.
These have resulted so far in the following:
- Potential to do ONE huge thing off of my personal bucket list.
- I’ve applied for my first artist grant(I’ll talk more about that later)
- I’ve started really working on finding my voice in talking about things like beauty, make up, fashion. Go look at my other blog. (Not toally related but earlier one of my other readers spotted a fucking pro Trump ad on my blog, if you see it PLEASE report it. I’m working on trying to be rid of it.)
- I’ve resumed writing essays that make me bleed. Not the type where I’m struggling to balance the bleed and the sale.
- I decided to start actively trying to get fiction published again.
So money shit is still fucked. I’m poor AF.
But, I feel okay to move on from where I was to where I want to go.
My writing lately has been on mother fucking fire.
I FEEL like I actually can be the artist I want to be.
DO you know how good that feels? Because Milcah in particular (mainly because of our baby SCLAB) has invested time and money in me and never once held that over my head as a way to force me to change, and that we are STILL both so passionate about SCLAB and that we’re working out how we can make it happen, these other things can happen.
When I was a baby potato writer, I believed that the writing life would be like it was in my Henry Miller books. I’d write shit, travel, fuck everyone and mail stuff to some editor shaped person and boom shit would be published. And I’d probably be poor, but there would be money for when I was broke and rich people being my patrons.
The version of that dream I’m living is in the shape of my real actual life. I have the kind of support system (not financial as of yet) that I need in order to be the kind of artist I wanted to be as a kidlet.
Dear Other Writers who struggle with ALL the other writing biz shit,
There is hope. If I can find a situation that is tenable and wonderful and makes good shit for my art. You can do it. It might take a long time, but it is out there.
Right now when I look at my family, my partner Uniballer whom I live with, my Wifey Cookie whom I see when I can and Milcah-
Holy shit y’all.
Being that all my love is romantic on some level love, I feel like I am the warm weirdo center of the most loving big relationship. And it’s so wonderful.
Love doesn’t solve all the problems and don’t pay my bills, but, it does make life and creation so much better.
Publicly again forever thank you for being you, being tough, being loving, being my most beautiful femmeboifriend, being the artist you are and being my ride or die.
I love you Milcah.
And I love you too readers and other writers.
I’m full of hate and migraine pain but, I love you.