More thoughts and Duotrope frustrations.

I’m as usual doing some submitting this week and the story I’m working with right now is very firmly a lesbian story.

That being said, it is a longer piece for me and as I’m using Duotrope to look at magazines I’m running into the same issues I had earlier.

If I switch between general subject matter and GLBTQ subject matter in the search form I go from 1235 to 70.

I know that out of the 1165 magazines that don’t specify whether they take queer stories or not, there is probably one that would love this story. However, as I am looking through magazines and the stories are all White and hetero, I’m not going to submit.

Again, I call into question editors.

I’m honestly just so frustrated.

I’m exhausted.

I don’t want to be an editor, I don’t want to run a literary magazine. I just have no desire to do it so the do it yourself model just doesn’t work for me here.

Yes I know I can just send the fucking story and see what happens and that is normally what I do.

However, it is nice to see a welcome sign sometimes.

I don’t know if it is because I’m not feeling well in general and am thus more sensitive than usual but right now, as I’m trying to get my work done I just feel sad and not welcome.

Yes, guidelines can say that they welcome all sorts of things. Yes in the interview if there is one on Duotrope you can drop Toni Morrison or Junot Diaz’s names. But when I go back four or five issues and there’s nothing to indicate that an editor(s) have ever even seen a non white person, I don’t feel like any talk about the diverse stories a press or zine likes is actually true.

This is one aspect of using Duotrope that as I write more stories that are not taking place in the White Dude’s Literary Canon universe that just gets harder to deal with. I honestly don’t know how to parse how I feel.

I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do with the things that bother me so much.

I don’t know where to turn.

I’m tired and I want to cry.

Sometimes as I’ve said before I don’t want to be trail blazing.

I just want to have some folks read my stories and sometimes like them or want to talk about them.

I’m very frustrated and upset.

I wish I knew how to handle these feelings because I just don’t. I’m choking on them and that’s making the parts of writing that I cherish suck.

I just don’t know.

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